(NOTE: This was written in response to a thread on cheating in a long distance relationship on one of the
many mail lists I belong to. So many of the messages were of the "dump the sucker" variety that I had to
post something from the "other side of the coin". Some grammatical and spelling errors have been corrected
here from the original post. - Geoff)
This is an area where a lot of emotional energy is raised, and for the most
part, rightly so. Most of us have been lied to, cheated on, at some point
in our lives. It is not unreasonable for someone who has been cheated on to
seek out counsel and comfort. The devastating emotional toll is difficult to
deal with alone.
But tonight, as much as it pains Me to do so, I have to speak from the other
side of the coin. As the one caught "cheating." It is not something I am
proud of, but it is something I am prepared to share with you. Bare with
Me, this will probably be a bit long winded. Most such tales are. But
along the way this story has several morals, about consequences,
responsibility, and the possibility of re-establishing trust.
Many years ago, when I first got involved in the Scene, I stayed away from
any serious relationships. I was not interested in establishing a
physical/sexual relationship with anyone, I was not willing to accept the
responsibility of collaring any one. It was, and is, My belief that a
collar, and the duties and responsibilities that go with it, should only be
given and accepted with the seriousness one would approach a marriage
relationship. I don't give My heart lightly.
Eventually, I found Myself in the position of wanting, needing, and being
ready to accept the responsibility that comes with ownership. I offered My
collar to heyokah, and she accepted. She was experienced, she had trained
real-time and had several years in the Scene. kah was polyamorous and I
was monogamous. At the time she needed the security of a monogamous
relationship with someone, and I was comfortable with that.
After a time, kah was ready to open her heart to the possibility of another
joining our relationship. She is bi-sexual, and suddenly, the possibility
of being able to fulfill certain fantasies was very close to the edge of reality
for Me. We met someone who touched both of our hearts and who we grew to
love. I was forced to confront My _own_ inhibitions and values though. I
had promised kah, "no others" and I meant it. I had never been poly before,
even the mere possibility meant having to re-evaluate fundamental parts of
My emotional and psychological landscape. I had to kick down a hard limit,
"no others", in order to proceed further.
But, as often is the case, instead of the dramatic TV-esque kicking in the
door and boldly striding into the next room, I kicked the door in, stumbled,
tripping and bumping into things and fell. Flat on My face.
Suddenly, the possibility of having _many_ other partners was a concept I
had to wrestle with. While kah was understanding of the emotional
struggle I was going through, kalise was not. Here were two, who were sworn
to Me and I to them and we all to one another. "No others, without your
knowledge and approval." I promised them, and Myself.
But the limit had been kicked aside, and the whole world loomed before me and
visions of a harem danced through My mind. Let's face it, that's a fantasy
for most guys. And there were any number of offers and temptations. I
don't understand it, I never have. In the vanilla world I was not terribly
successful at attracting women. Once I became involved in the Scene though,
I was very suddenly Mr. Popular. kah and kalise call them My "groupies".
But I digress.
Before I reached an equilibrium within Myself over this dramatic and
life changing transition from mono to poly, I allowed Myself the arrogance
of believing that I could add any number of others to our relationship, that
I could build a harem, and that kah and kalise would approve of any that I
brought in. And the question became "how to bring them in".
Folks, I made some terrible decisions. I was, frankly, thinking with My
pecker and not My head. And I entered a relationship with someone who was
truly delusional. She was someone who wanted, not to enter into a healthy,
mutually supportive and loving poly relationship, but to cut Me off from kah
and kalise so she could have Me for her own. I wanted it badly enough to
ignore My own good sense, the advise of others, and every warning sign in
the book.
I lied, to kah and kalise, about so many things, all the time happily
believing I was going to be able to work this out for everyone's benefit.
I was very, very wrong.
I was set up, so that I would be cut off from the two I really loved, and I
waltzed right along to the tune being whistled. When the trap was sprung, I
was caught, stone cold busted. kalise left, removed her collar and never
wanted to speak to Me again. And rightly so. kah was more understanding,
was not so angry, but she was still hurt. And she too removed her collar.
And I realized what I had done and gone along with, and what had been done
to Me. While I had been lying and playing games, I was being lied to and
played with.
I was devastated by the revelation and self realization.
And I've been paying the price ever since.
Can trust be re-established? After much heartbreaking confession on My
part, hours and days of discussion, and soul-searching on ALL of our parts,
they came to accept My collar again. kah understood that this kind of
struggle within could occur as part of the growing and transition from mono-
to poly- and was quick to forgive. kalise still struggled with the issues
raised. Does kah trust Me? I believe so. She was prepared for My fall.
For her, the issue was "will He accept responsibility for His failure, admit
what He did was wrong, will He be able to learn and grow from this?" For
her the answers were the right ones.
For the woman once known as kalise, the issue was and is more complex. And
unfortunately, meeting kah's requirements were not enough for her. I broke trust
with her in ways that have never healed, in spite of all My efforts to re-earn her
trust. Not long ago I was able to accept that. Without that foundation of
trust, she can not submit to Me in a meaningful way, not in the way her
heart desired to submit, and not in the way I wish to be submitted to. She
has told Me this for a long time, but I believed that I could somehow reach
through and grab onto what once was and re-make it. I think I was deluding
myself, so that I wouldn't have to face the final consequence.. that My
kalise was no longer, and would never again be, the girl with a slave's heart
that I so treasured.
Though I love her with all I am, all I know how, it isn't enough to make up
for what I did. Not only did I break her trust, I destroyed an innocence in
her, a faith, that let her accept this lifestyle. Now she sees the cheaters
and liars and users, and not much else. So not only did I destroy My
relationship with her, I poisoned her relationship to the Scene. And I have
to live with that knowledge every day.
Was I a lying, cheating bastard? Yup. Was I a scumbag? I guess so. Did I
come clean, accept responsibility, try to make amends? Absolutely. With
kah, it was enough, even though she doesn't wear My collar, we still maintain
a deep, abiding friendship. And perhaps one day she will wear My collar
again.
But I have finally found the courage and strength to let kalise go emotionally.
I love her and it tore My heart out to admit that she was not, and probably would
never again be, able to meet My emotional needs, no matter how hard I tried to
re-build that trust. I'm trying to remain friends, but it's hard. Damn, but it's hard.
I have a picture, she's kneeling at My feet, My hand in her hair and the smile on
her face is like the light of the sun. I'll never know that with her again, and I know
it was through My own action that I lost that.
Cheating has consequences. They are _never_ the ones we expect or hope for.
Those who refuse to accept the responsibility for their actions, who repeat the
same behavior over and over, are only deluding themselves about what they are
doing.
I learned, but too late for kalise and Me. Never again.
Anyone who even thinks they want a relationship with Me will have to go
through those I love, first. If they think the new one is worth recommending for
consideration, then I'll take a look. Not because they are topping from the
bottom but because I value that relationship and I will not do anything to
give them a reason to distrust Me. We may take another into our lives
and heart again. But it will be someone who TRULY wants to be with BOTH of
us, not someone saying things to try to weasel their way into cutting Me off
from someone I love and who returns that love.
Devotion, trust and loyalty are two way streets. I don't intend to let My
end of that exchange down ever again.
Thanks for listening, I hope someone learns something from My sharing.
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